Tipz from the Babysitter Seriez
Consistency Can be a Parent’s Best Friend.
Being consistent as parents, encouraging your child to be consistent, and ensuring that anyone who spends ample time with your children also tries to be consistent in the things they do and say with your children, can improve so many aspects of your family. For starters, it can help your child to listen better, be more decisive, and increase communication and understanding in your day to day routine.
As every parent has at one time or another, it’s easy to get tired and lax when dealing with your children. It takes time and energy, but being consistent with your child NOW will save you more time and energy down the road when they are more willful and opinionated. One of the biggest issues I am asked about is how to deal with children who don’t listen or do what they are told by their parents. Oftentimes, I find this is a direct result of lack of consistency. Consistency is important, and although it may not completely fix every issue, (after all children will be children) it will help considerably.
It is my opinion that the root cause in most children doing things you told them not to is brought on by the fact that one person will let them do one thing while another one doesn’t—mixed signals. Children learn through experience and need to be given clear definite direction! Perhaps dear old grandmother thinks dessert before dinner is okay, but the parents don’t allow it. After a weekend with grandmother, you might find yourself arguing with your child about why they can't have dessert before dinner, only to find them sneaking it under the table while you aren’t watching later on. More commonly, each parent might have a different set of rules of what they think should be allowed and not allowed for their child, some of which conflict.
You have to work as a team and be consistent in the messages you are sending to your child. Especially when it comes to those willful two and three year old children, because your child will undoubtedly test you again and again! If your husband or wife lets your child do things that you have already made clear is not okay for them to do around you, then you are working against each other and confusing your child in the process. Hence, they are going to be more apt to do whatever they want to do, regardless of what you tell them, because everyone lets them do something different. This plays a large role when disciplining, too. Consistency is crucial!
The key to consistency is communication.
Communication
Communicate, communicate, communicate! Communicate with each other and communicate with your child! It is so incredibly important to take the time to try to communicate and help younger kids understand what is going on, too. For example, when disciplining, say you put your child down for bed. You tell them that if they get out of bed, they are in trouble because it’s “sleepy time” and they will not be allowed to watch their favorite morning show on TV when they wake up. You have your child tell you what you said so you know they understood that they were not supposed to get out of bed and if they did, what would happen.
By taking the time to make sure you know your child understands they are not supposed to get out of bed, you also free yourself up from feeling guilty or convincing yourself that “they didn’t really understand” or “they forgot.” If the child decides to test you and gets out of bed, you need to make sure you’ve told your spouse that you told your child they would not get to watch their favorite show in the morning. Why? Because if your unknowing spouse turns their favorite show on for them the following morning while you’re out, your child isn’t learning that there are consequences to their actions and that it is important to listen and do as they are told. Instead, they are learning that what one parent says, isn’t always what both parents do. They get to have their cake and eat it, too! You are probably also going to find yourself putting him/her back to bed two or three more times the following night before they finally stay in bed because you and your spouse did not work as a team and be consistent with your child.
I have also known children, moreso older children than younger ones, pit one parent against another in an attempt to get what they want out of a situation. By checking “Have you asked your mom?” or “Have you asked your dad?” and making decisions together, you can ensure that you are not negating anything your child may have already been told by your partner without your knowledge. Children can be smarter than you think and asking a few simple questions can prevent a lot of arguments with your spouse down the road. When making an “in the moment” decision on your own, it’s always good to touch base and tell your partner about it so that if the child asks him/her later, they can make sure to give an answer that is consistent with your own. No more, “Well dad said it was ok” or better yet, they won’t strategically wait for the “right” parent to come home so they can ask them first.
That's Your Story and You're Sticking To It
Now, communication is only worth it if you’re planning to stick to what you say. Mark my words, if you never do what you say you’re going to do, then your child won’t listen to what you have to say or take what you say seriously. Even if your husband or wife makes a rash decision that you don’t agree with, it’s always better to support that decision in the moment with the child until you can discuss it and come to a compromise later as to what adjustments need to be made. It sends a better message to you child.
Encourage Your child's Consistency
Not only is it good practice for you to communicate and be consistent, but it’s also good to try to encourage YOUR CHILD to be consistent, too. By giving your child the opportunity to make decisions and then have them stand by and stick to those decisions, you are essentially teaching your child how to asses their options, take time to make a definite choice they feel good about, and stick with what they’ve committed to. For example, when you make dinner for your child, try giving them the option of choosing what drink they would like with their dinner. Let them make a decision for themselves; it is good practice! You can help them out by giving them options to choose from like milk or juice. Once they make a decision, make them stick to that decision. If you give them milk and they change their mind and say they want juice, inform them that they chose milk and that’s what they are stuck with because that is the decision they made. If they really wanted juice they should have thought about it a little more before telling you what they wanted to drink. This is the lesson learned by encouraging your child to be consistent.
The same thing could apply for chores. Try giving your child the option of doing their chore(s) now, after lunch, or right before bed, and then make them abide by their own choices, reminding them that “they chose” what they wanted to do. Thus, making them take responsibility for their own decisions and learn to take their time to think things through and make better decisions in the first place—all things that will help them growing up and also down the road as an adult!
As long as you prove time and time again that you are going to hold your child to the things you say, hold them to the things they say, communicate what is going on to your spouse and your child, and make sure that everyone all around being as consistent as possible, I think you will find your child to be much more responsive when you need him or her to be, make better decisions, be more responsible, communicative, and understanding.
Tipz from the Babysitter is written by Samantha Potts, KidzAustin.com's lifelong babysitter for both the KidzAustin kidz. Questions? E-mail Samantha at sam@kidzaustin.com.
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