The Psychology of Parenting Seriez

Dealing with Transitions and Change

What a great time of the year, holiday stresses are behind us and change is upon us. With a new President on the horizon there is lots of talk about transition everywhere I look. Locally, I see that even my own Kindergartner is dealing with this very global issue.  He is getting a new teacher mid-year. I see the fear and concern in his eyes, and wonder what it must be like for him as we walk expectantly to his “new’ classroom. Will the new teacher be able to pronounce my name? Will she know what the old teacher taught us or will we have to learn it all over again? What if she doesn’t know the rules of the school? Who will teach her? Such thoughtful and deep questions for a mere 5 year old. 

 “You’ll be just fine” were my first thoughts, but this type of quick reassurance really does not address his deeper need to be understood and validated.  Even at such a young age.  Change is difficult for all of us, but when it happens to our youngsters there is a crucial role we can play as parents. 

The following guidelines can be helpful in dealing with times of change whenever they occur:

1. Be Curious.  This is a good time to ask questions, so put your investigator hat on and genuinely try to understand the fear or concern, without judging the emotion. Asking a child what specifically they are angry or nervous about sends them a message that you are taking them seriously. You might be surprised at what you hear, for the connections that children make are different than for adults.
   
   
2. Do Not Try to Fix the Problem.  As adults, we have an instinctual need to take our children’s pain away.  But sometimes, this can backfire on us. They first need to be validated that we “get it” and don’t just want to move on. Even if it seems silly to you, and you have confidence that they will get through this, your children do not have that kind of foresight.  And, by giving them the space they need, it is fascinating to watch how they come up with their own solution to the problem.  Sometimes, it can be even better than what you or I would have generated!
   
   
3. Identify with the Negative Emotion.  This is really important. I cannot stress enough how isolating it can be when a child feels like they are the only one that is struggling, or feeling bad. Use self-disclosure to let your child know that there have been times in your own life when you had to deal with change. Times when you were scared or frightened. Times when you also did not have all the answers. This can really help them see that they are not alone. And, if they view you as someone that is confident and positive, they will make the connection on their own that “this too shall pass and I will get through this.”
    
4. Leave the Door Open.  Remember that issues do not get solved in just one conversation alone! You may think that you have said everything there is to say on the subject, but perhaps they were only half listening.  Perhaps they forgot to tell you one more thing.  One of my grade-school teachers’ used to say, “There is no such thing as a stupid question.”  By the same token, there is no such thing as a bad or silly feeling.  Knowing that this topic can be revisited reassures your child that they can always come to you, no matter what.  And, isn’t that ultimately what we want to provide for our children?

Kavita Murthy, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Austin.

To learn more you can visit www.kavitaphd.com.

Click here to read more of Dr. Murthy's insightful articles.