The Psychology of Parenting Seriez

Bullying: We didn’t start the fire.  Or did we?

While I realize this topic has been addressed numerous times by a variety of experts, I would like to throw a new slant on the idea of Bullying.  Instead of labeling and polarizing our children into categories of “bullies-that-cannot-be-helped” vs. “victims-that-need-protection”, what if we dug a little deeper and asked ourselves how these behaviors are created in the first place? Most research shows that children observe adults’ behavior and then draw conclusions of what works in the real world. Bullying behavior is all around us and not just on the playground at school.  What messages are we sending to our children when we a) talk about people behind their backs b) use anger to push our own agenda or get our own way, and c) Subscribe to the idea that there is usually always a winner and a loser during an argument?  It is our job as parents to provide a learning environment through role modeling how to handle our own emotions as well as to teach our children skills of empathy and tolerance. 

Here are a few guidelines for working with all children so that we may stop the bullying cycle:

1. Start paying Attention and Supervise—All too often, we assume that if children are not causing overt problems they can be left alone.  “No news is good news” is no longer a motto to which we can subscribe.  It is human nature to seek out acceptance from your peers.  However, at what cost?  If not held in check, or properly taught, children confuse the idea of social acceptance with social dominance.  Checking in with your child to observe their interpersonal interactions is a clear way to stay on top of things.  It also lets them know you are aware and you care about what is going on around you.  This takes effort on our part.  Sometimes I set a timer when I am engrossed on my laptop to just walk into my children’s bedroom and watch the way they play with each other.  You might be surprised (in a good way) with what you see and hear.
    
2. Teach Empathy—How do we do this?  By asking a child what it must feel like inside when they see someone that is hurting.  Ask them to draw a picture of their anger.  Show them the impact their actions have on others.  Talk about your own feelings when you hear of a friend that is struggling.  Think about how you would respond and then tell your children about it.  As a child learns to describe their own feelings, they will learn more about how to read the emotions of others.  This is a crucial step towards preventing bullying behavior.  A child that has empathy, will not bully others.
    
3. Build Confidence—Research indicates that when children react confidently and assertively towards another child, they are less likely to be the target of bullying.  Honest praise, finding areas where your child can succeed, encouraging them through their mistakes and setbacks, exposing your child to  multiple social groups, these are all ways a child can learn to be resilient in the face of taunting behavior.
    
4. Take Stock of your own Self—As children get older, we think it is okay for them to hear about our adult conflicts and problems.  As long as we are being constructive that can be okay, but how many times have you just wanted to vent to your friend, not realizing that your child has overheard your rant?  Children do not know how to make sense of your words and do not have the capability to problem solve on your behalf.   They also cannot process the difference between a ‘bitch’ session and constructive communication.  If you catch yourself, all is not lost.  By following up with your child, taking ownership of how you felt, and then walking them through the steps of how to directly confront and be assertive while still maintaining a relationship, you have created a teachable moment for you and your child. 

Preventing the cycle of bullying can be overwhelming.  The following website can also provide you with concrete tips towards building a healthier future for your children and your community. http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov. 

Kavita Murthy, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Austin.

To learn more you can visit www.kavitaphd.com.

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