The Psychology of Parenting Seriez

The Mother-Daughter Connection

This month, as Mother’s Day is quickly approaching, I thought I would share with readers a personal journey I have taken in my own life.  Three years ago, I was approached by several mothers in the neighborhood about starting a mother-daughter group.  At the time, despite being a Psychologist, I had not heard of the recent publication of the mother-daughter project which was being touted on all the morning talk-shows.

The basic theme of The Mother-Daughter Project is that all girls crave a connection with their own mothers as they approach and later endure adolescence, but we as a society have given into the assumption that teenage girls and moms just do not mix!  Similar to the old adage “Boys will be boys”, our culture has adopted a standard that promotes a separation and distance between girls and their moms’, right at the critical time when they need this connection the most.  This book provides you with a broad basis for which to start your own group locally and discover how to discuss important, but sensitive topics with your own daughters.  From bullying and friendship issues, to getting your period, and the dreaded sex talk, this guide provides the framework on how and when to approach each subject and make it fun in the process.  I was very impressed.

The first step was to carefully select our members, understanding that this is not only a group for the girls, but for the mothers’ as well.  A place where the girls can witness firsthand what it is like to see their own mothers relaxing, having fun and creating new friendships with other women.   The ideal group size is about 6-8 girls, with the same number of mothers.  We have 8 girls and 7 moms in our group.

The first 4-6 months the mothers met alone and became familiar with each other. It was important to be able to have trust in these other women, while also maintaining our individuality and respecting the different parenting styles that exist.

Next, we began introducing the girls to the group process.  At the time they were 6-7 years old and the goal was to just have fun, play games together and involve the mothers in play!  How novel is that?  Too often, we as mothers are too busy to play with our children.  Between our work life and domestic chores, it is quite easy to push our children away and have them “Go Play” with others when the reality is we need to be encouraging them to “Come Play” with us. 

Currently, our daughters are in the second year of this process. As 2nd and 3rd graders we have begun the very daunting task of introducing more serious discussions about their body and all the changes that come with being a girl.  Research shows that mothers tend to wait too long (out of fear) to bring up the “period” talk or even the “where do babies come from” talk.  As Oprah even indicated last month on her show, most 12-year old girls already know about sex while most mothers are still debating how to bring up the subject.  The ideal age to begin a dialogue is between 9-10 years old. Even knowing this, I myself was overwhelmed with how to go about this.  I too, was filled with doubts. Will I be taking away my daughter's innocence by even mentioning this stuff?  

To my amazement, the mother-daughter group has been able to take the fear out of answering some tough questions. Together we have formed a bond to support each other in this process. When one mom gets stuck, another swoops in to handle a tough situation.  When one daughter is acting out to get attention, perhaps another mom can be a calming influence and help avoid the power struggle that can exist between mother and daughter. Our hope is that as they enter middle school, our girls will be able to turn to other mothers when they might be too afraid to speak to their own. This has been such a huge support for me, as a mother and not a therapist, to be a part of this group. 

Ultimately, as the book suggests, the goal for this group is to continue meeting and discussing on a monthly basis until the girls are ready to graduate from High School. Sounds like a huge commitment, right?  But, in the end, it will be worth the effort you have invested, and your daughters will be able to feel safe within a group that allows them the freedom to just be themselves. 

Already we are seeing the benefits of forming such a space for our girls.  Last month, one girl decided ahead of time to bring up an issue she was having with friendship and present it to the group for support and suggestions.   As mothers, we were thrilled!   It was quite a moment to see that the girls themselves have taken ownership of this group and are starting to use it appropriately. 

I encourage each of you moms out there with daughters to consider starting your own group.  After all, it is up to us to educate, nurture and empower our daughters so that they can grow up to be fantastic women and perhaps mothers themselves one day.

Kavita Murthy, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Austin.

To learn more you can visit www.kavitaphd.com.

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