The Psychology of Parenting Seriez

Back to School Jitters?  Helping yourself means helping your child.

My last child will be starting Kindergarten this year and as usual I am filled with a mixture of excitement and fear.   I assumed that since I have done this before, I would be able to handle this.  I assumed since I am a psychologist, I would know what to expect, and be able to manage.  Instead, I find myself consumed with thoughts about my own performance as a parent.  It seems that no matter how much you mentally prepare yourself, it can be difficult to quiet the voices in your head.  Is my child ready for school? Will they remember what we taught them: to say please and thank-you; to have self control by not punching “little Billy” in the arm for cutting in the cafeteria line, or pulling “little Sally's hair”, because she teased him just like his big sister does at home. Will my son make friends easily?  Who will my daughter sit with at lunch?  What if they have to go to the bathroom?  Will they have the confidence to speak up if they need to?  Will the teacher like my child? Is the work too easy for them, or too difficult?  And ultimately, will they like school?

School districts do a good job handling and preparing parents for the logistics of the first day of school and explaining behavioral and academic expectations.  What remains are our own parental anxieties that are hard to quell by reading your local school handbook. 

What I have found both personally and professionally is that emotions are contagious.  It’s as if there is this invisible cord that connects my gut to my children’s brain, and they begin to voice my own concerns whether I have spoken them aloud or not.  (And more especially when I keep quiet about such fears.) I may hear myself saying, “Oh you are going to be just fine” when really deep down inside I am resonating with fear and my son will say “But, I don’t feel fine.”  As parents, our most important role is to acknowledge and accept our fears, which will in turn help our children manage their own.  The following is a checklist for you to ensure you are working with your child instead of against her:

1. Reflect back what your child says word for word.  Make sure you understood correctly what they are saying to you.  Sometimes we are so caught up in our own thoughts we are not truly hearing what our children are saying.  This also gives us time to slow down and stay focused.
   
   
2. Validate your child’s fear.  Encourage them to talk about it and be a good listener, even if it is hard for you to hear.  Remember that their fears are real.  You will not make them go away by dismissing them.
    
3. Explore with your child the reasons why he might be scared. This means you will have to be willing to sit with your own feelings.  It may bring up your own memories of the first day of school.  But remember these are your own feelings.  If you listen well, you might be surprised to learn that his concern is not even close to what your concern is.  One child I know thought she had to be able to read and write like her older sibling on the first day of school.  She was scared to death because she could only write her first name.  Imagine the level of anxiety!  Once she was told that Kindergarten is where you learn these skills, she felt much better.
   
   
4. Ask your child, “What do you think we could do about that to help you feel better?”  9 times out of 10, a child will be instrumental in coming up with his or her own solution to the problem.  You don’t have to do a thing.  They just needed you to provide the safe space to express their fears.  Once you do this, the fear itself will dissolve, both for you and for your child.
   
   
5. Once you are able to allow them to express their fears, you will find that is where you both will feel a sense of accomplishment and hope.  Now you can provide them with your words of encouragement with no strings attached.
   
   
6. If you are still feeling anxious yourself, take the time to talk to your spouse or friend and have them use the above 5 steps on you!  You will see the difference it can make.

Transitioning to Kindergarten or going back to school can be a stressful time.  By taking the time to follow these simple communication steps, you are paving the way towards a more connected relationship with your children in the years to come.   Stay cool, and enjoy the rest of summer!

Kavita Murthy, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Austin.

To learn more you can visit www.kavitaphd.com.