The Psychology of Parenting Seriez

Real Advice for Parents-To-Be: It’s not all about the Baby!

I just returned last week from visiting my sister who will be expecting her first child in November. She is practically glowing with anticipation as she makes her checklists and prepares for the “big day.” We talked incessantly about the day of the birth and all the options she has as a new mother. As we were purchasing items she might need in those first few months, I started thinking of all the birthing classes I took (to no avail; I had two c-sections), all the lists I prepared, all the advice I had received. 

In all, I realized that the focus was all about caring for the baby, and little was mentioned about caring for the mother or the marriage. In my profession I see many women who have post partum depression, and suffer for months on end, feeling guilty for not bonding fast enough with their child. This is a very taboo subject that most people will avoid asking or talking about due to the implication that there must be something wrong if I don’t just adore my child and am thrilled at the prospect of becoming a parent. Even expecting fathers have approached me, sharing their darkest fears of dread they feel uncomfortable (or unsafe) to express with their partners. 

Part of making the transition from a person with no kids to a parent that is consumed with everything “kidz” related, involves being open and honest with all your concerns, the good, the bad and the ugly. First, it is important to remember that we are all vulnerable at times, we all make mistakes, and that this new identity of motherhood and fatherhood is always a work in progress. Here are a few “normal” reactions to becoming a parent that I have heard from my clients and friends over the years:

My Life is now over! 
This is a common theme that carries with it many grains of truth.  However, It is important to discuss and imagine what your daily, weekly, and yearly routine will be like with your partner. I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed husbands and wives that have never even discussed this openly, but had definite opinions about everything from who will sacrifice their job, to how often will we be taking vacations to see family, to at what age can we leave the child with a babysitter?  Be specific in your conversations, and realize that again, this is not just a one-time conversation you will be having. It evolves over time and needs to be revisited at least once a year with your spouse.

What if I screw up this child (just like my parents did)? 
It is important to understand and have some insight into your own childhood, before embarking on this very important journey.  If you come from a family that you feel struggled emotionally, or was not stable in some way, perhaps a few counseling sessions might be beneficial as a way to prepare and prevent repeating the mistakes of the past.  We all have our blind spots and fears of turning out “just like our parents.” By addressing these issues now, you will be ensuring the sound mental health of your entire family that you are creating.

What if it’s a girl/boy?  I can’t possibly love him/her can I? 
Gender issues are also very common among expecting parents, but again, they are never voiced.  For men, it is typical for some to worry about whether they are comfortable showing affection to their son, and for women who did not grow up with brothers, there might be some anxiety related to raising a boy that is both loving and strong. Talk with your spouse not only about your own gender biases, and roles, but also your expectations of how you want to raise your girl or boy. 

What will become of my sex life? 
As you may already know, one of the most common concerns involve fears of men who are unable to view their wives as sexual beings after becoming the mother of their children, and of women who worry that since their bodies have changed, their husband’s might not find them as attractive.  Most couples that I have worked with indicate to me that their sex life actually improves after having children for a variety of reasons:  In exchange for spontaneity, there is an improvement in intensity for most couples, perhaps because they are aware that that have to make every moment count!  Also, many women report feeling less inhibited after experiencing the true nature of pregnancy and childbirth in all its glory.  There is no room for shyness and modesty now! 

These are just a few of the many concerns I have seen in working with couples and individuals who are transitioning to being parents.  By discussing these topics openly with your partner in advance, you can improve your own relationship and mental health as you begin this new and exciting chapter in your life! 

Kavita Murthy, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Austin.

To learn more you can visit www.kavitaphd.com.

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